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How to Talk Like a Pirate, Me Hearty -- a Tutorial

So you wants to parley like a pirate, do yee? Thar be certain matters to attend to afore yee can tack about and talk like a proper tar. Some landlubbers ain't suited for the seafaring life. If yee play golf on Sundays, unless yee cheat most grievously, yee will never speak like a salt. If yee got yee a tattoo, such as be rubbed on and water soluble, yee ain't fit for any fourmaster. If yee plucks daisies rather than daggers, yee best stay in your cottage and away from the cleats, crossties and clutches. Cut your sails now, lump, for yee be headed for nowheres but dead water.

Thems that desire to treat like sea dogs had best pay heed to these words, for there ain't no better chart on how to maneuver through the shoals and shallows of Talk Like A Pirate Day.

Firstly, here be some definitions of pirate words and phrases, what I be certain will come in most handy for your climb up the jack ladder:

1. No: Aaargghh. (Please note that "Aaargghh" has multiple meanings and can be used in a variety of situations. The use of the expression may be utilized to signify general displeasure. Thus, an acceptable response to, "Dear will you throw out the garbage", or "Sweetie, could you empty the bilge water", could be the aforementioned expression. So too, this particular expression may be used as a threat, as in two parties facing each other and growling, "Aaargghh" back and forth several times before one of the parties pierces the other's gallbladder with sword, rapier, blade, foil or cutlass.)
2. Yes: Aye.
3. These bananas are not yet ripe: I wouldst not serve thems fleaworts to a desiccated monkey.
4. My pants are too tight: Me loins are as scragged as hagberries.
5. Run an Excel spreadsheet on these: Hoist the blood count.
6. This little number is by Armani: Yee must have paid yee a ransom for thems habiliments, yee schmuck.
7. On the right: Starboard.
8. On the left: Port.
9. Where is the bathroom?: Whar be the head? (It is considered proper etiquette in some pirate circles to follow up this question with an inquiry regarding the direction of the air current, such as: How blows the wind?)
10. I love you: Remove your garments.
11. Hello: Ahoy.
12. How much will that cost?: Empty your pockets.
13. The check is in the mail: The coxswain will pay yee.
14. I really think that we should see a marriage counselor: The sea be a lovely colour this eventide. Look yee over the railing. More. More . . . Let me hold your ankles whilst yee look.
15. The court is now in session: Hang them curs from the mainmast.
16. To the rear of the ship: Aft.
17. To the front of the ship: Fore.
18. I am thirsty: Grog!
19. I am hungry: I couldst eat a horse from its hooves to its ears, and have me a mule's cobblers for dessert.
20. Isn't the Yoga class meeting in here today?: Didst yee all forget your leggings?
21. I can't: I durst.
22. Aha!: Oho!
23. I happen to disagree with you: I shall cut yee into quarters.
24. Darn!: By thunder!
25. Do you know the way to San Jose?: Take me to perdition or paradise, but by blazes get me out of Detroit. (You can, of course, substitute the city, town, village or shanty of your choice for Detroit.)

Now it ain't sufficient to only speak the piratical tongue, for words don't mean snuff if yee don't sneer whilst speaking them. Therefore and thereby, yee shouldst practice your sneer at least seven times per day in front of your glass until it cracks from the sight of yee.

Neither can yee dress like a tea merchant or a ciphering governess when yee speak. Yee must, if yee be a man, wear a gabardine jacket with brass buttons, what always looks smart over a bare chest. I recommends a handkerchief o'er the skull as an accompaniment. Women, yee must tart yee up but good and don a blouse what shows yee to your best advantage. A small pistol secured in a purse always be practical. If yee look the part, it will aid yee to speak the part.

It ain't for me to throw a bucket of blood over your good intentions, but it be some warty to master the mother tongue of Blackbeard, Calico Jack, Henry Morgan, Anne Bonny and their like, not to mention Long John Silver, him being the most notorious buccaneer of them all. However, if your head ain't permanently clouded by ale or other ablutions, yee may well speak like a pirate if yee recollect some simple rules, them being:

* If it be proper English what yee be treating, it ain't true pirate talk.
* Practice, practice, practice. Yee wouldst not match steel against another without first having parried nor thrusted nor jabbed nor feinted, as you wouldst end up on the wrong side of the scuppers, and so do naught but work your tongue until yee can parley with the best of rogues.
* Get yee to a gathering of your brothers and sisters in blood, as they are always in search of sound salts. Yee can find them sorts most everywhere, and I wouldst encourage yee to hunt for them on what landlubbers call the internet, which be where many what fly the cross and bones hide out these days.
* If yee have yee the liver for it, read a tale or two of the marly life of a sailor, for there be much to be taught from the scrawls of them that lived the life of a true buccaneer.
* Don't take any blather from any landlubber what don't have no appreciation for the ways of the pirate. Sometimes it simply ain't enough to talk the talk. Yee have yee a dagger for a reason, me hearty. Use it on a landlubber what don't understand our ways. A blade in such circumstances can be most eloquent.

©2008 Edward Chupack

About the Author

Edward Chupack is an attorney for a major law firm. He lives near Chicago. Silver is his first novel.
To learn more about Long John Silver, please visit www.silverpirate.com.

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Josh Freeman #5 Women's Red Nike Tampa Bay Buccaneers Name & Number T-Shirt $31.99 Hey ladies! Pay tribute to your favorite football player and rock this stylish Josh Freeman #5 Women's Red Nike Tampa Bay Buccaneers Name & Number T-Shirt. Brought to you by Nike. this NFL t-shirt features a screen print team logo on the front- player name and number on the back and signature Swoosh design on the left sleeve. Nike NFL Name & Number T-shirt Tagless collar Screen print logo on the front Player name & number on back 100% Cotton Officially licensed

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Women's Red Draft Me IV Jersey Top Shirt $47.95 Tampa Bay Buccaneers Women's Red Draft Me IV Jersey Top Shirt Support your team while looking good in this Womens Draft Me IV Top from VF Imagewear. This shirt features embroidered twill appliqué team logo rhinestones across the team name jersey mesh side piecing classic fit with longer length for comfortable feel and contrast lacing. Made of 100% polyester shimmer and 100% polyester mesh side panels. Officially licensed by the NFL.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Women's Glitz Watch $39.99 This watch has a metal case with 50 cystal stones, patent leather strap, brass dial, stainless steel buckele, caseback and crown. Water resistant to 3 ATM and has Japan Quartz Movement. Great gift idea for that special lady in your life!

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Women's Reebok Fierce Fan Cheer Tank Top Shirt $31.49 Tampa Bay Buccaneers Women's Reebok Fierce Fan Cheer Tank Top Shirt Whether you're tailgating before the game getting together with other fans for a pre-game party or just hanging out around the house waiting for the kick-off you'll look great in this Women's ''Fierce Fan Top'' from Reebok. Features distressed screen printed oversized team graphic on the front contrast color polyester dazzle trim & straps contrast color thread at hem and a fitted cut for a great look and feel. Made of 95% cotton/5% spandex and is machine washable. Officially licensed by the NFL.

East Tennessee State Buccaneers Executive Ladies Watch with Mother of Pearl Dial $163.52 The ultimate East Tennessee State Buccaneers fan's statement, our Executive timepiece offers men and women a classic, business-appropriate look. Features a 23KT gold-plated bezel, stainless steel case and date function. Secures to your wrist with a two-tone solid stainless steel band complete with safety clasp.The hypnotic iridescence of our natural blush mother of pearl combined with the sparkling brilliance of Swarovski crystal indexes adds even more prestige to our collection of fine ladies' wristwatches. Team logos make a unique fashion statement for the ultimate NCAA fan.

East Tennessee State Buccaneers Ladies Executive AnoChrome Watch $154.1 The ultimate East Tennessee State Buccaneers fan's statement, our Executive timepiece offers men and women a classic, business-appropriate look. Features a 23KT gold-plated bezel, stainless steel case and date function. Secures to your wrist with a two-tone solid stainless steel band complete with safety clasp.The AnoChrome dial option increases the visual impact of any watch with a stunning radial reflection similar to that of the underside of a CD. Perceived value is increased with the AnoChrome's gem-like saturation of team color. Even the emblazoned NCAA logo is enhanced by intertwining with AnoChome's intense luster. Just imagine a watch face this alluring surrounded by the superior quality of a timepiece.

Buccaneers Magnet $5.99 Buccaneers Magnet Magnet Officially licensed die cut helmet magnet made of weather resistant materials. Indoor/outdoor use. Great for the car, fridge or tool box. Tampa Bay Buccaneers NFL football

Buccaneers Plaque $8.49 Buccaneers Plaque Plastic Plaque With Adhesive Tampa Bay Buccaneers plaque has a silver finish and super strong adhesive backing. Looks great on vehicles or on any hard surface. Makes a great gift for any sports fan.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Magnet Set $10.95 Tampa Bay Buccaneers Magnet Set Tampa Bay Buccaneers Magnet Set

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Oversized Buckle $19.95 Tampa Bay Buccaneers Oversized Buckle Tampa Bay Buccaneers Oversized Buckle

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Dangle Earrings $9.87 Tampa Bay Buccaneers Dangle Earrings Tampa Bay Buccaneers Dangle Earrings

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Logo Necklace $10.55 Tampa Bay Buccaneers Logo Necklace Tampa Bay Buccaneers Logo Necklace

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Logo Pendant $13.65 Tampa Bay Buccaneers Logo Pendant Tampa Bay Buccaneers Logo Pendant

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Studded Earrings $9.87 Tampa Bay Buccaneers Studded Earrings Tampa Bay Buccaneers Studded Earrings

3" Helmet Ornament-Buccaneers $20 3" Helmet Ornament-Buccaneers 3\" Helmet Ornament-Buccaneers

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Logo $89.99 Tampa Bay Buccaneers Logo - Wall Decal

Buccaneers Strip $2.99 Buccaneers Strip Vinyl Sticker team colors with helmet image on left of sticker and background image of players at scrimage line

Buccaneers Helmet Zippo Lighter $36.95 Buccaneers Helmet Zippo Lighter Zippo Lighter with Sculpted and Enameled Helmet - Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Women's Pride Playing Tri-Blend Burnout V-Neck Tee $23.79 Impress everyone with your passion and commitment in this Tampa Bay Buccaneers Womens Pride Playing T-Shirt - oh- and looking good while doing it never hurts. Features weathered screenprinted team name and logo on chest. Deep V-neck tri-blend for fashion and style Fitted with longer length for comfortable feel Easy to care 50% polyester/37% cotton/13% rayon burnout jersey blend Officially licensed by the NFL

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Leather Cuff Charm Bracelet $19.99 This leather cuff bracelet is a stylish way for both men and women to support their favorite team! Genuine leather band measures 1.5" wide.

The Buccaneers of America $20.76 Esquemeling served the Buccaneers as a barbersurgeon, and was present for all their exploits. Little did he suspect that his first hand observations would some day be cherished as the only authentic and true history of the Buccaneers and Marooners of the Spanish Main. A true account of the most remarkable assaults committed upon the coasts of the West Indies by the Buccaneers of Jamaica and Tortuga. Author: Esquemeling, John Binding Type: Paperback Number of Pages: 128 Publication Date: 2008/11/19 Language: English Dimensions: 23.00 x 15.00 x 1.00 inches

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Women's Red Nike Dri-Fit NFL Tempo Short $35.99 For ultimate comfort and spirited style- add this Tampa Bay Buccaneers Women's Red Nike Dri-Fit NFL Tempo Short to your mix of workout gear! Elite running short has 3 1/2 inch inseam- color blocked mesh side panel with contrast piping- elastic waistband with internal drawcord and built in crepe liner. Silicone screen print team logo on lower right and Swoosh design trademark on lower hip. Running Shorts Inseam measures 3.5 inches Color blocked mesh side panel with contrast piping Elastic waistband with internal draw cord Built in crepe liner Silicone screen print team logo on lower right Nike Swoosh design trademark on lower hip 100% Polyester taffeta body 100% Polyester Dri-FIT mesh panels and liner Officially licensed

Buccaneers XL Logo Decals $6.99 Buccaneers XL Logo Decals Removable Vinyl Sticker NFL Tampa Bay Buccaneers extra large set of two removable and reusable ultra decals featuring the Buccaneers name and logo. Name decal is 11x4.5 and logo is 11x11.

Dolphins-Buccaneers Line of Scrimmage Mural $99.99 Dolphins-Buccaneers Line of Scrimmage Mural - Wall Decal

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Classic Logo $89.99 Tampa Bay Buccaneers Classic Logo - Wall Decal

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Throwback Helmet $89.99 Tampa Bay Buccaneers Throwback Helmet - Wall Decal

Josh Freeman Tampa Bay Buccaneers $163.99 Josh Freeman Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Photo

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 2011 Logo $9.99 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 2011 Logo - Photo

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